All: I am going to stop blogging for a while.  It might be indefinite - maybe not.  But I don't expect to post anything for at least 4-6 months.  I'll see how I feel about it later this fall.

I'm extremely grateful for the support I have gotten from readers, and a blog was a great way for me to sort out some of my conflicting emotions and thoughts for several years.  The simple reality, however, is that these days I am lucky enough to be able to seek out advice and support in real life, via e-mail, and at the forums where I still participate.  (Also, the problems I have in my trans life these days tend to be much less susceptible to "solving by blogging".)

I do hope that all of you will stay in touch with me, and I look forward to meeting as many of y'all as I can in real life!

I'll say au revoir for now, rather than adieu...

Erica Foley

Hello everyone!  Once again in flight back to New York.  It was a fun and frantic trip, which ironically got shortened by a day because I would have had very little to do in SF today! 

So.... where were we?  Oh yes, Tuesday.  After a morning and early afternoon that were MUCH more frenetic than they had any right to be, I finally freed up around 2pm.  For some reason, I was really in the mood to try some new clothes and snap some pics.  Eventually I am going to have to discuss my continuing predilection for doing so, but that's another blog entry.  On the purely flirty side, I have this 80's-era pink leotard outfit (think Olivia Newton-John in "Physical" - it's even tackier).  For some reason I give it a whirl every couple years.  This time, oddly enough, the look REALLY worked!  Go figure.  Then I got back to reality and tried on a pair of khaki shorts and a henley top.  Still working through my self-consciousness about my bare legs, and I want to see if it's just me.  Probably is; y'all can decide for yourselves when the photos go on flickr in a couple days.

From there it was another quick change into my outfit of choice: the cropped khakis I bought Monday when out with Sara, and a green Ralph Lauren sweater, along with a pair of sandals.  If I say so myself, it looked REALLY cute!  Yay me.  So I guess there are consolations for losing my CD license.  That's what I wore out the door, in a final act of trans heresy.  It was a beautiful day and my original plan was to go to a nearby park and just enjoy some nature.  Unfortunately, the park was closed; I think they may have been renovating it.  Anyway, I did not want to drive along randomly searching for another park in Redondo Beach.  Among other things I did have dinner plans.  So I went over to the Del Amo mall to do some window shopping and had a nice time.  That's when I came to a crucial realization about 30 minutes into my mall-walking.  The sandals, which I had thought were broken in, were not.  OUCH!

I managed to limp back to the car and got to the hotel room.  Did what I could for my feet and then had to change for dinner with Cleo.  Cleo lives in a super-fun part of West Hollywood, and I figured a less preppy look would be in order for dinner.  So I changed into black footless tights, a denim mini (sound familiar?) and my black/blue striped Ann Taylor tee.  (OK, so it was a little preppy....)  I made good time up to W. Hollywood and was actually on time for once.  Met up with Cleo - who looked fab as usual - and we decided to re-visit the French bistro we ate at last time.  We dined out on the front patio and the food was just superb.  Even better than the prior visit!  And, of course, Cleo is an absolute delight to hang out with.  I would have happily hung out with her well into the evening, but I had an obscenely early breakfast meeting an hour's drive from my hotel.  So we called it a night about 11 or so.  She's coming out to NY soon and I very much look forward to seeing her then.

Back to hotel, for another evening of thoroughly compromised and insufficient sleep.  Wake, pack, drive, meet, drive, LAX, work, fly, SFO, cab, hotel, work.... sheesh, before you know it, it's already 6:00 and you're supposed to meet Lena in two hours!  Unfortunately, due to the damage to my feet from the night before I was stuck with the same outfit I wore to see Cleo.  (So yes, she went out in slacks AND wore the same outfit twice in a row.  Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I believe there is only one verdict that you can in good conscience render.)  Had a nice stroll up to Ponzu, and another absolutely fab dinner with Lena.  She was wearing a cute new outfit that she was field testing for an upcoming trip to NY, and looked great as usual.  I know that at this point I really don't even need to say that about her; you can just automatically infer it.  It was terrific to see her and mercifully she was up to holding up more than her side of the conversation, because by about 10PM or so the cumulative effects of the last three days really started to catch up with me!  Ponzu, by the way, appears to have upped their game, food-wise.  It was EXCELLENT.  Anyway, we parted ways for what was supposed to be a short pause.  We were originally supposed to be flying back to NY on the same flight Friday, which would have been a lot of fun.

However, work intervened - or didn't, I guess.  My critical meeting for today had to be canceled, and the rest of the meetings were non-essential.  Also, tomorrow is going to be a real mess work-wise, and things will go better if I am at my desk.  So I decided to leave a day early.  Sorry Lena - I guess my male identity will have to remain secret a little longer ;)  It would have benen nice to just have a long day of femme time and shopping in SF, but I really am fretting about the s#!& hitting the fan tomorrow.  It'll also be nice to suprise the kids at breakfast in the morning.

All in all, another great trip - and a real delight to be able to share some IRL time with some wonderful friends on the left coast.

PS: My freakin' feet still hurt.

Sorry to be such a lousy correspondent on this trip.  I have managed to carve out a decent amount of fem time, but work has been extremely demanding on this trip.  Basically, the choice for my limited free time was to enjoy life as Erica or to write a blog entry.  So now you know where you stand, dear readers!

The Erica part of this trip has been very nice.  Monday I had dinner with my friend Sara, who rose to instant super-heroine status by spending three long days enfemme at Diva Las Vegas, driving back on Sunday and then making the 45 minute drive to meet me in Redondo Beach on Monday.  Obligatory clothing check: black leggings and a lightweight green striped tunic-y top.  I had planned on wearing something a little more summery, but learned a quick and crucial lesson about white slacks and hip padding.  Basically, imagine the worst VPL you have ever seen.  This was worse.  Fortunately I noticed BEFORE I went outside - I would have died of embarrassment.  Upshot is that I will be going back to the drawing board to "figure out my figure" when white slacks are on the agenda. 

Sara, as usual, looked great.  She can even get away with putting her hair in a ponytail and looking natural, so she was nice and put together while I was absurdly windblown.  Anyway, Sara and I did a little light shopping.  I stopped by MAC to pick up yet ANOTHER flipping plum lip gloss because I forgot to pack any one of the zillions I have at home.  (I do this a lot.)  Then we cruised by Ann Taylor Loft so I could pick up the same cropped pants in a more opaque khaki color.  Huge sale - got them for about $29.  Woot!

Then off to PF Chang's, for the biggest surprise of the trip.  (Well, at least it's in the running with the VPL horror from that afternoon.)  As I think I blogged last year, this was not the first time Sara and I had eaten there... but it had been at least 8 months and maybe more.  That last time was a great experience because the wait-staff was super friendly and spot-on with gendering.  Sara actually took the time to send a positive comment to PF Chang's corporate headquarters.  Evidently they don't get many compliments, because when we got in the door Monday night EVERYONE remembered us! (In a very good way.)  They even apologized because the woman who had been our waitress was not working that night.  We wound up chatting a fair bit with the hostess and once again, everyone was simply fab.  If anyone in SoCal is looking for a place that is not specifically geared for trans folks but nevertheless offers a great experience, I could not possibly overstate my endorsement of PF Chang's at Del Amo plaza.  Tell them Erica and Sara sent you!  OK, end of commercial.

Anyway, I was pretty tired from the long day.  Sara had a lot of absolutely terrific stories from her weekend, so I was happy to shut up for once and listen to her recount a fabulous experience at DLV.  We called it a relatively early night, and I'm looking forward to seeing her again soon.

Oh by the way, the hostess took a pretty good pic of Sara and me.  The version here is teeny tiny and cropped;  I'll be putting the real one on my flickr page shortly.

And that's enough for now.  I'll try to write tomorrow about yesterday...
 

It's definitely time for me to turn in my crossdressing license.

I'm looking at a long spring and summer, and I am thinking pants.  Cropped chinos, capris, white linen slacks.  The whole nine yards of leg-covering fabric.  Even worse, when I am thinking skirts I am thinking fuller, knee length models.  Maybe even a couple cool ankle length flowy skirts.

And if that weren't enough, I have my eye on a couple of pairs of nice wools slacks for the fall.

It's simply this: there is only so much you can do with short skirts and dresses.  Moreover, I still have some issues about how my bare legs look.  From the knee downward I'm quite comfortable.  Higher than that?  Well, let's just say I am much happier if I can get some leggings, tights or stockings into the mix.

I'm mindful that in making these wardrobe adjustments, I am going to be taking away a big "female cue" away from the perceptions of others (see my earlier blogs for obsessive discussions on this subject).  I'll just have to live with that.

OK.  License revoked.  It's time for some experimentation!

There has been a recent thread at mHB about the challenges involved, for the closeted types among us, in separating our fem life from our real life - both online and IRL.  For the record, I am definitely getting sick of the artificial wall between my fem life and the rest of my life.

Oh, don't worry.  It's not like I am going to go and just out myself.  If ever there were a decision to be mutually made, this is it.  Nor am I about to engage in some PR campaign to persuade Helene to change her mind.  (Yeah - like THAT would work!!!)

So no, I'm not going to do it.  All I am saying - and this DOES represent a change from, say, a year ago, is that I am much less ok with the whole notion of having some friends, interests, hangouts, etc. that are tied to my fem life...and others that are tied to my male life.  With a big fucking wall to separate every part of one from the other  It's not unmanageable, but it's not fun.

Moreover, while I am not deliberately outing myself, I do find that there's an awful lot more "leakage" between Erica's identity and the guy she shares the body with.  Most of this is simply logistical.  I have met several of Erica's friends while in guy mode, and the universe of people with whom both sides have to interact (doormen, drivers, seamstress, etc.) will not shrink over time. 

But that's not really it.  More at issue is the simple reality that I am unwilling to limit my deepening fem friendships by withholding all the important details of my life.  I want my friends, irrespective of whether they are friends of Erica or "the guy", to know when my daughter's doing well in school.  When my son is sick.  When I am working too hard to be an engaged dad/mom/whatever.  When a friend of "Erica's" is sick or sad, all of me hurts and sympathizes.  I guess it's an inevitable corollary (benefit?) of seeing acquiantances turn into friends.  And I now see the utter futility in trying to keep some sort of artificial wall...

Fortunately, Helene understands this completely.  So I don't think this is an issue between us.  But it will be a really interesting part of life as I continue to walk the middle path.

Another terrific GNO at Triangles last night.  It really is amazing what an event Tiffany has created - not just an event, but really a community in its own right.  An event that is totally inclusive, but mostly CD focused - and mostly focused on sometime out-and-abou types.... we'll let's just say they don't exactly grow on trees!  So it was really a thrill to be there.

The theme for last night's event was "Clue" - i.e., we would come dressed as a character from either the board game or the movie.  I had just the character in mind - Ms. Scarlet.  But not just any Ms. Scarlett - I was thinking about the Board cover from the game I had as a kid.  Ms. Scarlet is a beautiful Asian woman lying on a chaise in a black silk Chinese minidress.  I soooooo wanted to be her!  And now, of course, I had my chance.

Thanks to the glory of the internet, getting a black mini-cheongsam in my size is not nearly as difficult as one might think.  Ordered it on Sunday and it was here by Wednesday.  So my plan was all set.  Yesterday I headed up to Danbury, checked in, changed into some casual fem clothes and went to Danbury Fair mall to check out the sale at Lord & Taylor.  I didn't see much of interest, and after a few minutes of strolling I decided to get back and change for the main event.  I figured I'd be a bit early, but what the heck.

Good thing I gave myself the extra time.  I had quickly put on the dress to confirm it would fit, but didn't fasten it all up.  Which meant that I did not realize that (1) the dress fasteners were a royal pain in the neck, (2) it was tight at one critical snap and (3) the dress was astoundingly cheaply put together.  (I probably should have figured that out given that it cost $30.)  It took forever to get the damn thing on!  And one of the fasteners was showing obvious signs of distress already.  Also, I had not noticed that the dress as slit VERY high on the sides.  I'm pretty comfortable in my fem body, but even I had a moment of "god am I actually going to wear this?"   As it was, I had to undertake some undie adjustments. 

I do think that the end result was worth it, if I say so myself   :)   However, fearing a Janet Jackson-like wardrobe malfunction, I brought along a miniskirt and top just in case.  And so I got over to Triangles at about 9:30.  The party was already in full swing, and I had a wonderful time catching up with the many folks that I mainly see at Triangles - Jenn, RJ, VJ, Betty, Donna and many many more. 

The dress survived for about 30 minutes.  I had to raise my arm for some reason and felt two of the fasteners go.  One more, and the dress was going to look like a minidress for a nursing mother.   So I excused myself, went out to the car and did a quick change.  One added benefit was that suddenly it was about 15 degrees cooler.  Bare legged and cotton fabric - I'm beginning to see what natal women are talking about!   LOL

Back into the club and lots more visiting.  The music was getting up to dance volumes, so I spent most of my time on the patio.  I finally left at about 1:00AM.  I know the party keeps going on, but I wanted to wake up early so I'd be back when things got busy at home.  To everyone who was there: it was great to see you and I'm already looking forward to the next Triangles party!

Believe it or not, I actually have a couple of semi-serious topics to write about, so stay tuned here!  (There will also be plenty of fluff, I promise.)

Sorry it has been a while since I last posted!  Unlike many of my trips, the last one had almost no free time.  After an all-too-short spring break, I had to get myself to Houston for a few days. 

Now I must say I was actually a tad nervous about my first outing in Houston - it is by far the most conservative city in which I have ever ventured out en femme.  But, once again, it turns out that I need not have worried.

Sunday was the only day I had free, and you may recall that Sunday was also Easter.  Which meant that most of Houston was closed.  Just as well, really, as I was not too interested in going out to a mall or anything.  Instead, I did something that I do not get to do often in NYC:  I went to a park and just strolled around for a bit.  It was a beautiful day and I realized just how long it had been since I spent any significant amount of time outside en femme!  Anyway I had a great time.  I also got a couple of decent photos of myself while I was out.  (As the day went on, the park got pretty empty so I did not feel too self-conscious about the self-portraits.)

Afterwards, I wound up at a surprisingly good sushi place for dinner.  I then drove the longest contiguous distance that a human being can travel in Houston WITHOUT seeing a Starbucks, so I gave up and called it a night.  (The next morning I saw that my route had taken me within half a block of something like four Starbucks.  Go figure.)

Anyway, even Houston was perfectly fine for a trans outing.  Now you know :)

Because organized narratives are dreadfully over-rated:

- Had a lovely time last night at NW.  Charlie Vazquez organized a reading called She-Panic! - several writers of feminist erotica.  They were great, and the readings were VERRRRY interesting.  But I am still no closer to understanding the female libido, and will probably go to my grave that way.

- But I did forget my glasses and my jewelry at home, so I had to go with the backups.  I'm not too fond of my spare glasses, but I'll put up some pics in the next day for the really curious.

- I'm seeing a look on the NYC streets that I absolutely adore:  shorts - usually fairly dressy, and invariably with cuffed legs, worn over tights.  It's fresh, fun and sexy.   It's also yet another look that I will not be able to rock - you need to be at least two of the following three categories:  (1) short, (2) young, (3) of asian descent.  I saw a 20-something asian woman, maybe 5'2" (she was NOT petite though!), dressed like this in the Village yesterday and she was just a supremely sexy knockout.

- I finally ran out of prep and prime.  I thought the bottle would last forever.  But hey, it's an excuse to go to a MAC store!

And now I am out of random thoughts.  Have a great weekend!