... we will return to your regularly scheduled antics in a couple days.

Last Thursday was an ordinary enough evening en femme for me.  I got dressed, and had a drink with my good friend Dev at the apartment.  We went out for dinner (sushi, surprise surprise) and dropped by a bar after that.  Had a great time - got to see a couple friends who hadn't been around for a while.  We all had a couple more drinks, played some pool, and I decided to call it a night around 11pm.  Walked out, got a cab, end of my story.

A couple hours later, one of my friends there had a very different evening when he left the bar.  He was assaulted and severely beaten for the crime of being gay.  Not even that, as his assailants presumably did not check on his dating history.  He was beaten because some bigoted shitstain assumed he must be gay.

In New York fucking City.  The East Village, no less.

He'll recover.  Friends got him to the hospital, and one broken jaw later he's home and recuperating.  He has been through worse in life and I know he's going to be fine.  Mostly.

I am just sick with sadness, and as angry as I have ever been.  I'm also a little worried about my own safety.  I am sure a part of it is a "there but for the grace of god" realization that it could have just as easily been me.  All around I am just horrified.  (Yes, I know that bias crimes happen all the time.  This is first time it has impacted me so directly.  'Scuse me for having a sheltered past.)

I'm also remembering another good friend who was brutally assaulted less than a year ago, after a very late night nearby.  That one looked more like a mugging at the time, but it too happened after my friend left a known gay bar.  And I get even more horrified, and furious.  And I am as angry at my own powerlessness in the face of the problem as anything else.

I'll do what I can.  Support politicians and policies that will ultimately relegate this sort of awfulness to the dustbin of history.  (Oh yeah, by the way: Obama?  That was a wake up call.  Get your shit together on LGBT issues now, or don't expect me to lift a finger to help you next time around.)  I'll do what I can for the community  consistent with our family's decision that I basically remain in the closet.

More immediately, I will be a lot more careful in the area... But I will absolutely NOT cut back on my out-and-about life as Erica Foley.  This is OUR community, OUR city, OUR country.  It's our dignity, and I will be damned if I let a bunch of hate-mongering fucks deprive me (us) of any of it.

And yet all that resolve is basically zero consolation right now...

Not really much to report on Friday.  Good news was that my schedule got shuffled yet again (I swear this trip has been absolutely ridiculous in that regard!) so I was free by late afternoon.  I thought I'd go over to the Hillsdale Mall in San Mateo.  Tunic and leggings, check.  But on this trip I learned a very important lesson about Hue "skinny leggings".  In brief, they don't fit me.  They were riding down the entire time I was there!  Mercifully it didn't show thanks to the tunic (believe me I was checking in every mirror I could find!) but god was it uncomfortable - imagine the worst case of sagging tights and multiply it by about a million.  So I kept the visit relatively quick - I was really there to buy coming-back presents for my kids.  So I hit the GameStop and the Barnes & Noble, did my thing and got back.

There was one very weird and disquieting moment at the mall.  I was walking out of a store and I heard a woman scream "YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!"  I heard a sound of something like keys scraping across the floor and swung my head over.  Perhaps 100 feet away there was a woman lying on the floor screaming, and a man - the person she was screaming at, as he picked up whatever had hit the floor - running back toward her.  I thought it was a domestic violence thing and immediately started to move to see if she needed help.

Then I stopped.  What was I going to do?  physically stop the guy?  scream for help?  dig my cell phone out of my purse?  As it happened, while I was hesitating another guy came running around the corner with a pair of handcuffs and started to cuff the woman.  Turns out the two men were undercover cops or detectives and she was apparently a serious shoplifter.  So all's well, but even so...

So after all the excitement, I decided I was hungry.  I also decided I wanted a proper drink or three, which meant that dinner would be at the hotel.  And it was, and it was just fine.

And I was tired, and had a very early flight the next day.  (Which is where I am writing this from.)

A busy, hectic, hassled, pain-in-the-ass of a trip.  But for the fun of seeing Sara and Lena, I think I would have gone crazy.  Instead, I am just a little burned out and sleepy.  But I am also almost home.

More later.

Last night was great fun after a wretched flight to SF.  Well over two hours late, which meant a fair amount of schedule-shuffling before I could get to the hotel and get ready to see Lena.  Fortunately, a night of hanging and a careful job packing meant that one of my nice outfits was in good enough shape to wear.  I got ready and headed over to St. Michael's Alley, a great little restaurant in Palo Alto.

When I googled the address, I realized that St. Michael's had moved - it was now in a much bigger space.  The NYC foodie in me immediately raised yellow flags: expansions often do terrible things to the cuisine of fun local restaurants.  In this case, however, I needn't have worried.  The kitchen was in fine form.  Anyway, I got there and Lena's twin George was waiting.  (I had expected this as a possibility, as I know Lena has been incredibly busy at work and with some home projects.)  We enjoyed a lovely meal and, as usual, had a great time catching up.  One of the things I am noticing more and more these days is that even in intimate environments I am much less self-conscious about the whole trans thing.  I actually don't know that I gave blending/passing/etc a moment's thought all night.  So I guess that's a form of progress.

Anyway, we finished up and I headed back to the hotel.  Had a nightcap at the bar and actually managed to get a good night's sleep in.  All in all, a very pleasant evening - and indeed the more so because it just felt so incredibly... normal.

Nice.

Another flight, another blog entry.  Sorry it has been a while.  Not much to report from Erica-land.  All things trans seem to be moving along pretty smoothly.  The painting, etc. for the new apartment are nearly done, so I'll be migrating the home base from West Village to Chelsea in a few weeks.  It will be fun to explore such a vibrant new area!  (Plus I am only about 1/2 mile walk away from Macys!!!!)

This has been a goofy trip.  I was supposed to be in California for a week, but at the last minute a transaction went kablooey (no, I mean it - it actually went "kablooey".  It was fascinating).  So I had to stay in NYC and clean up the mess for a couple days.  Unfortunately this means I was unable to see my friend Cleo in LA.

On the good side of the news, Sara and I got together last night.  We had both agreed that we would go a little more dressy this time (we're both usually pretty casual).  Unfortunately, when I started to get dressed I realized that the trained gorillas that do baggage handling must have really given my luggage a workout.  Either that or I got a baggage inspeaction by a TSA officer who had a seizure mid-search.  Anyway, my two nice outfits were badly wrinkled.  So I wound up wearing - this will come as a real shock to you - a tunic and leggings.  Sara, on the other hand, looked absolutely smashing in a slim skirt, Jimmy Choo heels and a gorgeous sheer top and tank that she had bought a little earlier in the day.  She has become quite a fan of this boutique near her house, and having seen this item I understand why! 

Anyway, I felt quite frowsy...  but no matter.  In a few minutes we were in the bar at the hotel having a drink (and then another), and catching up.  Then it was off to the usual scene of the crime for us: Del Amo fashion center.  Once again we managed to get ourselves totally turned around and lost, but not before I snagged some super-cute gray Hue leggings and a small Coach wallet at Macy's.  We finally managed to walk (limp, in Sara's case: the shoes were fab but looked painful!) back to PF Chang's.

OK, as you may recall we are semi-regulars here.  At least as regular as one can be when I live 2,500 miles away.  But Sara was kind enough to send an e-mail in over a year ago to PF Chang headquarters thanking them for some great service.  Apparently a little e-mail goes a long way!  We had no sooner been seated when the manager came over and (get this) gave us both a big hug!  Welcomed us back and all of a sudden we're best friends with the entire waitstaff.  It was, actually, a lot of fun.  And again, please take this as an unequivocal endorsement of that PF Changs.  Tasty and trans-friendly.  What could be better?

Anyway, the cumulative effects of the long day and the Mai Tais at the DoubleTree bar caught up with me about 2/3 through dinner.  Fortunately, Sara was up to carrying both sides of the conversational bargain.  Where she gets her energy is quite beyond me.  And with aching feet, no less!  So we finished up and headed out.  Sara is not ordinarily much one for ambercam pictures (that's where you hold the camera at arm's length and take a photo of yourselves - trademark of the lovely Amber out here in NY) but she humored me in getting a few as we were walking back to the parking lot.  Hopefully at least one of them will turn out well...

Just another terrific evening with a wonderful friend.  And now, up to Palo Alto for dinner with Lena.  Oh yeah, and some work too, I guess.

But the captain just announced that we are FINALLY clear to go, so I'd better wrap this up.  More later!  And I guess at some point I should write something about Triangles on Saturday...

... It really was great, and I don't want to understate what a terrific experience it was.  But I don't know that I feel like writing a whole huge travelogue or essay about it.  I'll just toss out a few unconnected observations:

- Most importantly, I (re-) learned that for me, there is absolutely no substitute whatsoever for physical community.  Conversations, even drunken ones, allow for more understanding and nuance in one minute than you get from days of online exchanges.  Listening, really listening, to others is a glorious thing to do.

- Closely related: it was really wonderful to connect in person with many online friends, and to re-connect with a few that I had already met in person.  Special thanks go out to my hang-out buds Jenny Sands, Robin Hayes, Tania ("TaniaTania"), Nicole, Keira and Steph Yates, and I could name many many more.  The opportunity to meet so many others for the first time (including the fun/talented/lovely Jenny Boylan) gives me a real sense of excitement and anticipation at getting to know them all better.  For me, these personal connections are the entire point of my fem life, and it was an absolute thrill to establish so many connections in so few hours.

- For me, one of the high points of the conference was Friday dinner, where I leaped at the chance to sit at a table where a couple had brought their kids (ages 4-1/2 and 1).  We have decided not to tell ours, and I still support that decision...but wow was it interesting and inspiring to get the perspective from a couple who had made a different choice.  And there was the older boy, with nothing more on his mind than how many vegetables he had to consume in order to get his cake.  500 transpeople running around and he was totally taking it in stride.  Absolutely wonderful to see.

- The boy's mother, incidentally, was the one SOFFA with whom I really had a chance to talk.  (Sorry Helen, I am a lousy spy!)  I am not doing justice to her observations with this summary, mostly because I was already quite drunk by dinnertime.  She was quite positive about the conference, but the main concern was the fact that the organization of the conference really reinforced self-segregation within the community.  Now to be sure she understood and appreciated the need to carve out a safe space for partners, but I think she intuitively understood what Helen has said time and again - you can do that while also preserving a greater deal of inclusiveness.  More interestingly, she seemed concerned about the self-segregation of the trans people by type.  That's certainly a by-product of any conference that's underwritten in part by providers who need to connect with transitioners, but I understood what she said and I do find myself wondering whether the seminars could be re-keyed to break up some of the natural divisions among different T stripes.

- Kudos to SCC for trying, but a 90 minute seminar does not even begin to scratch the surface on the topic of living a life in both genders (i.e., extensively identifying en femme but not transitioning).

- Jenny Boylan made a great observation.  For a short while I looked around and said "wow, I cannot believe what I am seeing."  Then the hundreds of t folk fade into the background and it's the most natural thing ever.  I laughed to myself a bit sitting at the big Saturday gala dinner as I realized that it could have just as easily been a convention of variable annuity salespersons, or morticians, or evangelical Christians.  The group dynamics, general environment and sounds would have been the same, and a slightly blurry photo of us would have been indistinguishable from a League of Women Voters luncheon.

There really is something inspiring about watching hundreds of us use a weekend to productively engage with trans issues.  For me, it was a fun getaway and chance to connect with lots of friends old and new.  For some, it was a first chance to get out en femme or en homme.  Others maybe got a short period in which they could escape, or reduce, the conflict that their gender identity brings to their lives.  Still others sought, and hopefully got, guidance about the path and pitfalls of transition.  All of us collectively interacted with thousands - hell, maybe tens of thousands - of non-TGs... their worlds did not explode and their next interactions with trans persons will hopefully be easier. 

Whoa!  I don't want to get ahead of myself.  For me, the weekend was not a cause.  It was an experience, and one I will treasure for a long time.

PS: Jenny, that was not the first time that I head an autoharp played non-ironically.  But it had been quite a while...

Well, as I've mentioned below I have been experimenting with Studio Fix foundation instead of the heavier/more saturated Studio Tech.  Studio Tech has been my mainstay for the last year or so.  Very nearly every photo I've posted has featured it prominently.  (And Studio Tech itself was a lighter improvement from the full coverage foundation before that!)  I think I have now sorted out the color correction.  I had a chance to compare and contrast the N4 and N5 shades within a few days of one another.  The N4 is a bit closer to my actual skintone in real life, but it's just a little lighter - and shows up much lighter in photos.  So even though the N5 is not as perfectly natural a fit, I am probably going to go with it.

These differences, by the way, are very slight - and they're nothing compared to the difference when I use the old Studio Tech.  Both of them look infinitely more natural.  And the other advantages are just fab:

1.  More comfortable to wear.
2.  No need to carry both foundation and powder.
3.  No need to pay for both foundation and powder (with MAC, that's always a real consideration!).
4.  Faster to apply.
5.  Faster to remove.
6.  Better for my skin.
7.  Because it's closer to my natural complexion, it's much less noticeable if it wears through or fades due to sweat or whatever.

There's one big disadvantage, which I learned the hard way on Saturday night.  (Editrix: Which was a really fun event, thanks very much, and I'll try to blog about that later.)  Because there's so much less coverage, mistakes stand out more.  I've been having trouble adjusting the amount of blush I need.  And Saturday I put on a little too much red color correction around my lips before applying foundation.  There's a weirdly reddish tinge in most of my photos.  I think the flash aggravated the problem - at least I hope so because I'm gonna be awfully embarrassed if it was noticeable in person.  Anyway, I never get tired of makeup challenges so this just means "more to learn."

There's another issue, which is a tiny bit deeper.  I wrote about it in my thread at mHB and I will cross-post it here in a couple days.

In the meantime, there are photos to sort, clothes to wash and bags to pack for SCC.  Only three more days...

I am so disgusted with the nightmare in Caster Semenya's life I cannot even describe it.  The world should be celebrating the stunning accomplishments of one of our most extraordinary young athletes.  Instead, the media is gleefully turning an innocent 19 year old girl into a circus sideshow.  And the commentary in the blogosphere and on the internet is so sickening that I am seriously wondering about the wisdom of the First Amendment.

This is not news.  It is cruelty, pure and simple.  And I really can't take it.

I feel like I do whenever one of my kids gets sick: that deep wish that you could just wave a wand and make the hurting go away.  Or take it on your own shoulders.  She's not much more than a child and the media/blogosphere/bigots are TORTURING her.  If we listen, we enable that: TORTURE.  Listen to the awfulness of that word, because that's what we are doing.

Please, in god's name.  Let's do what we can.  Turn off the CNN coverage.  Ignore the blogosphere and the pundits.  Just turn the damn dial to "off".  Maybe, just maybe, we can punish with our indifference, and let a child escape this torment.

Feel free to copy this. In fact, why not?  Why SHOULDN'T this be everyone's facebook/myspace/yahoo/blog message today?

Please.
Erica

As I blogged earlier, I spent most of August on vacation with the family.  But  I did spend a couple days in NYC dealing with some business matters.  As I noted earlier I got a lot of dressup time - trying on a bunch of outfits that I'd never wear out in public.  In some cases it was just that the clothes were too girly, or trampy.  But I also tried out some uniforms and costumes.  It was terrific fun.

And so I have been thinking about that.  I concluded that my earlier feeling was right:  For quite some time now I had been taking the whole trans thing way too seriously.  I had totally lost sight of the fact that sometimes it really is just about the clothes, and feeling pretty, and having a good time.  Lesson learned.  I'm going to have to start reconciling my sense of fun with my broader notions of what trans should mean in my life. 

Interestingly, I had been indirectly dealing with this very issue for the last few months, in the context of my flickr page.  (www.flickr.com/photos/cd_erica_f, in case I don't spam that address enough!)  Over the years I have accumulated a lot of what I call the "fun and flirty" pictures.  They're certainly not explicit - just me showing off my fun side (though admittedly it's not exactly me wearing a burqa).  Lots of uniforms and costumes, some semi-trampy outfits, that sort of thing.  Anyway, I love taking these pics and I am perfectly comfortable sharing them.  I'm not even too worried about the pics getting disseminated broadly ... But at the same time I was queasy about just having them out there for the whole world to see.  I think the main reasons were that (1) this is a facet of me, but not the entirety and (2) I don't like reinforcing the notion that transgenderism must just be some sort of dressup fetish.

I have come up with a solution: I am posting the pictures, but for friends only.  To be sure I am not getting thousands of views - but I have found that does not matter.  I am still getting all the joy from sharing them!  And I think that once a person knows me a little bit - even just by reading my writing - they can understand the context in which I take and post these photos.

FYI, if you're curious I'm happy to add you as a friend.  I figure the three people still reading here can handle it.  Just let me know.  FYI, you will need a flickr account.  If you don't have one; they're free :)